Friday, November 6, 2009
Thank God, really!
The past few papers, major papers I might add, passed by in a blitz!
Still hoping my Combined Humanities wasn't too shabby, time management was the terrible foe! :(
But Biology today was..hmmm, i think the word would be comforting. Comforting that verything looks familiar and that it can be answered.
At least I know I can get most, if not all, of the marks allocated.
I guess that's my silver lining. Ever since Os started, I have never been able to come out of the exam hall pumping my fists saying that I've managed to nail this one. Never. Not one.
The next big obstacle would be HMT! I think i could just fail this in no time, when everyone thought failing chinese was impossible. Sigh.
I'll have a chinese weekend, hopefully the oversaturation of chinese'll leak out of my ears and onto the paper.
Have a Happy weekend, 再见! (Don't you just LOVE Chinese?)
surgeofthoughts@7:31:00 PM
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Last week
It seemed oddly symbolic, packing away the soggy, crumpled sheets of paper.
The inconsequential shuffling of papers from organising them into neat stacks, and the final glance at the formulas before, one after another, they went into the floppy brown file.
One.
The next,
and the next.
Differentiation,
along with Trigonometry,
Integration and Circles.
Flipping the file cover close, it seemed as though this signalled the end of Mathematics in my Secondary school life. It wasn't, ironically, during the end of all the Math papers, but instead now, in this quiet moment.
And shockingly, I felt sad. Melancholic. About Math. So out-of-character.
Maybe it was that I had closed a chapter of my life on such a disappointing note, or maybe it was how I could already envision the results: A2 or worse, and that would disappoint her terribly.
But I can say, towards the end of the final days leading up to the utter madness, Math seemed fulfilling, that working hard over sums was the way I lived out my Christian testimony, that I could be at peace even while my incompetent mind struggled on indefinitely with those blasted sums. Even while I would tear at my hair in utter frustration and fury.
Thank God, Thank God.
That keeping away my Math papers and books and whatnot helped me find closure and rest from the fevered comparisons, anxieties, despondent times when disappointement set in and regretful admonishments.
His will, not mine, be done. Thank you Lord,
surgeofthoughts@11:33:00 AM
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I'm No Perfectionist
Need to keep reminding myself that I'm not gonna moan about losing 4 marks.
Not aiming for a perfect score, just an A.
Not gonna get overly anxious when finding out I'm losing marks already.
Gotta keep my spirits up, cause I'm not doing this for myself. :)
&& press on everybody! We're gonna finish this well!
surgeofthoughts@8:11:00 PM
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
You Go Girl! :)
Glad these few days have been extra/super/fantastically productive work days.
Thank God more than ever for selflessly helpful classmates and dedicated teachers. Right now, they're a gift sent form heaven. Thank God for their help, for without which, I would not have been still humanly sane by now.
My impatience, coupled with my poor standards, made for those kind of hair-wrenchingly frustrating days. The kind where you'd just love to tear out your hair and thereby proceed to self destruct while destroying the offending paper and writing materials. Sigh.
Glad for the cedarians in general, hope we're all making good progress! :)
Be praying all you guys, hope you'll remain strong in the Lord!
Believe that He'll sustain you through this trying exam period and emerge stronger through the various trials He guides you through! <3
20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:20-21
surgeofthoughts@7:45:00 PM
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Hold On Tight; I'm on this rollercoaster ride of frenzied gathering and absorbing knowledge, and there're are times where I feel my grip on the grab bar in a crazily careening car is slackening.
I know it's not happening now, thank goodness. I don't wanna be left behind, biting the dust of the others who have long moved ahead in this maddening ratrace. It's the last bit, that I can offer, before it's too late.
surgeofthoughts@3:32:00 PM
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I guess when it comes to graduation, it's impossible to have any hard feelings for that person you have not been as kind throughout the year.
Tentative smiles, darting eyes,
awkward giggles and
discomforting silence.
We all stood,
hands clasping and unclasping, in
nervous energy.
Days of fevered activities
blurred
past.
The days
soon grew
longer, more arduous,
far too onerous to make
it through
alone.
4M made scaling the heights
worthwhile,
all these months.
surgeofthoughts@9:17:00 PM
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Unwarranted
I'd say today was a very testing, long day. Don't you just detest those days when you're trapped in the middle of a huge verbal vitriol, of which you are unable to intercede or diffuse tension? Being rather helpless, and sometimes even the subject of an angry tirade. Well, today was no exception.The moment she walked in, waves of fury seemed to be emanating from her. And then I knew, we were in for the big time.We stood, not knowing what was the safe response she seemed to elicit from us. Heads bowed and eyes veiled with the weariness of hearing the same harangue that was largely uncalled for, most just opted to remain silent. Even while angry questions were flung, hanging awkwardly in the tense, heavy silence of the room, it wasn't hard to see why it was the smartest thing to stay silent. Those questions, in some way, was not to seek out the truth and reason, but rather to pin down and lay out the offenses. Leaving us to choose between truth and the protection of some. Even the most violent tirade must die down. This one finally did, after 5 minutes, although the minutes seem to be interminably long. Lesson regained some semblance of normalcy, although no one, I'm sure, had forgotten the huge scolding just minutes before. What irked me most, was the air she seemed to adopt after that. Little things, like the occasional contemptuous toss of her head, the arrogant rolling of her eyes accompanied by the dismissive flick of her wrist. It just accumulated, my disgust grew exponentially by the minute, and soon, it took all my will power to restrain myself from just walking out. I know I have no right to pass such critical comments about her, but this event just saw my self control bursting at its seams. I know I have my faults that are like the bigger speck in my own eye than her dust. I know that Jesus loves her as much as He loves me, and I certainly do not have the right to speak of her with such intolerance.Thank goodness, for now, I don't have very much longer the bear with this. Anyway, don't you think this is such an inappropriate time to beat us down with such lectures? At least for me, I most definitely do feel it is.Moving on, as the day wore on, the lessons got progressively more wearisome and tedious, with the consecutive mocks of Biology and Add Math. Suffice to say, the only truly enjoyable time of the day was how we it ended the day on school, peals of giddy giggling and truckloads of mischief.
surgeofthoughts@6:53:00 PM
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Was feeling a little blue today, don't know why though.
And i got home, sat down, and decided to pull out one of the books i haven't read in a long time.Simple and poignant, the story gripped me, the reality of a life of constant rejection, without God, is not worth living. It reminded me of how some days used to pass by in somewhat similar fashion, back when i was still little and always on the periphery. I can't deny that now, it's got much better, but somehow, i can't completely stamp out the remnants of how it felt to be that way. Its still invades my thoughts time and again.Yeah yeah, it should be easy from now on. Real easy.
surgeofthoughts@9:49:00 PM
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The best of us, can find happiness in misery.
Seized with emotion over this one.
surgeofthoughts@3:18:00 PM
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Waving green amidst the warm brown.
The soft, muted patter
of drops,
Falling at precise, regular
intervals.
As large, round eyes watched the ceremonious
progress of the sky’s blue hues
to an ominous, bleak,
The subdued pelt gave way
to lashing strings of watery attacks.
Branches drooping under
relentless beating of cold,
trenchant rain.
Treacherous, cloying mist
clings onto the land,
the trunk,
the leaves,
enveloping all in foggy blankets.
Yet amidst all the din of the outpouring,
the bass reverberation of echoes,
high above the rest.
The sound of surrender,
the plaintive sigh of the leaves,
comes a moment too early.
The chaos of the storm
ceased.
surgeofthoughts@6:51:00 PM
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
surgeofthoughts@7:35:00 PM
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
reconnecting
I don't want to be like you, really. But i can see i was somewhat taking after you back then when i was still young and spoilt. I was just thinking, is it so hard to out down your prejudices, grudges? Cos I'm wondering how long more you can hold out on them, not any longer i suppose. But oh well, i'll just let it go for now, hope you can get over it.
I've always this pathological fear of talking to old friends and aquaintances, just like how i do take time to warm up to new friends. Maybe its just bein trapped in the confines of my quiet old self way back then, and somehow when you go back, that's exactly the way i behave, much to my dismay. sigh. Don't like it at all, like i'm having split personality.
And then there's the awkwardness too. Like asking a question bout how's life, and expecting a rather superficial answer, bout how life's just coming along fine when it isn't, simply cause you can't share such personal feelings with a friend you've sadly drifted from the past year. Like how i wouldnt share my more personal life details over 5 minutes with a friend i havent met in ages because it's so hard to brigdge that gap in 5 minutes of talking bout nostalgic old days and linking that up to present. Its just such a pity when you used to be so tight in a friendship and that's reduced to awkward banal banter. I do wonder too, does everyone who go through life and its stages feel the same, and all the emotional baggage pilling up?
surgeofthoughts@1:23:00 AM
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
keep the focus!
Two papers off my chest, another one to go! :)
Its getting better each time, drawing closer to the end of prelims! Then yet another round's lined up in 2 months time. *sigh* mommy just burst my happy bubble today saying all that. :(Thoughts of leaving Cedar have been on my mind these days, when i'm staring out the window on foggy mornings and inky black nights. Guess i'll start by dedicating posts to the special people in my life that made Cedar a part of me that i'll soon be missing.
I never thought I'd think I'll miss you when i leave Cedar. I know, you dedication to us is a love that is irrefutable, but its just that I'd never expect to start missing you as early as this, while we have yet to officially graduate. what i most admire about you is you love for the language, and your heart too. I'd say, its tiring to get to know each student on a more personal level, and it requires constant showers of attention, love and witty humour to keep it up. Many time, while juggling the demands of being a husband, a new father a teacher to us, a colleague and so many other roles. And finally, the most heart wrenching part, to see them all leave Cedar and move on with the next phase of their lives. After investing much time, effort, personal space, it simply leaves me to wonder, how much more space can you make for your subsequent pupils? Year after year, parts of your heart leaves with each graduated pupil. And after a while, how much of yourself is left with others? Its most painful i feel, your sacrifice, and i honour you for that.
Thank you, will always be remembered as one of my favourite teachers.
Kudos to you, Monsieur Sng.
surgeofthoughts@10:13:00 PM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
getting out of that current sedentary lifestyle
just out of a growing nagging concern over my fitness, decided to go for a short run on a whim. guess it paid off pretty well, feeling pretty hyped, buzzing from that short adrenaline rush. It felt really good to be running again.
remembering last night wasn't easy. I've cried way too many times over that but its such a reassurance, really. Thanks for that, i hope you'd understand why, that things of friendship don't come as easily to me as to most, thought who'd ever said friendship was as easy as breathing? yeah yeah, should've know. Sorry i nearly made you cry, i didn't know how else to put it. you see, you're such a great friend to me that i'm so afraid of losing you. i hope you understand. Love you, my kooky, sotong dear friend! :)
surgeofthoughts@11:58:00 PM
Friday, August 21, 2009
One down, many more to go
Oral's off my chest, at last. yeah, although i did think i didn't perform as i hoped i would, i just hope its enough for that A, really, please please? i mean, its pretty hard to talk about the disabled, at least something i didn't expect would be hard to talk about.
Moving on, was thinking about this when i was watching the IAAF world championships, wow, its definitely not short of talent and sheer brilliance, especially during the hurdles and high jump events.
The athletes make sprinting over a series of hurdles seem so easy, and i appreciate this even more so when i see my own clumsy technique.
And the high jumpers, so lengthy and graceful, and i for a moment, i was struck by how supermodel-like they appeared to be as their lithe figures sail over the bar. Don't know how they can pull off such a feat like this, simply lovely to watch. :)
3 more papers to go, then it'll be yet another round, two months later, and then after, its officially the end of my secondary school education. How soon, can't fight the occasional twinge of melancholy when i think of this.
surgeofthoughts@9:01:00 PM
almost there
wow, in a flash, most of the prelims have passed, am only left with 3 MCQ papers left man! YEAH! :)
at least for now, i can start kicking it up a little, after that long period of the guilt and study cycle.
And how odd, i've been having dreams and nightmares alomst every single night now, yesterday, it was about my teachers, and some other day, it was the senseless class excusion to seemlingly nowhere, and how i got lost. goodness, at this rate, i'll probably be much better off dreaming about pixies and gnomes and fairies, at least such dreams are fast contained within the pleasant sort of dreams, not the nasty frightening nightmares you wake up clawing at your bed at unearthly hours of the morning. sigh, its never been so extreme, dreamingly every night It must be those subconscious pre-o level stress and pressures we're facing eh?
Onto something more lgith hearted, I'm so awed these days by the extravagance and flamboyance of fashion shows these days, and the waif thin models whose pencil thin legs are surprisingly able to support them as they strut down the runway. Simply amazing how the show comes together from months of preparatory work.
Digressing into photography, i think the visual spectacle and beauty of some pictures just draws me to want to capture even more pretty pictures. Every line and little speck in the picture and hues of colour spashed across the canvas - the photograph - of which you are free to compose and capture, its just fantastic that there is so much to enjoy, what this world has to offer. And the effects to experiment with..wow. O.o
And i think to myself, What a wonderful world indeed.
surgeofthoughts@1:28:00 AM
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
a Breather
Whoo, never expected exams to go as smooth sailing as this. Im not saying that its been real good, just what i expect when i left some subjects as they are, not really going into studying it as i should actually. So of course it comes as a mild surprise that it really is going along fine, passable, but not ace-able i guess.
hmmm, been missing plenty of exercise that i feel terrible about the sedentary lifestyle currently, exam's been stealing away all my exercise buddies :(
simply can't wait till prelims are over, when i can get into some form/shape, hah.
Thank God I've found my phone after that brouhaha mayhem over the weekend. I'd admit, it cause much distress and nightmares over the 2 days and incurred my parents' wrath that I'm furious that it was all for nothing. sigh.
onto something else, I know I'd have to talk to you bout that 2 things, and its hard to say but i know i will have to.
The first is pretty annoying, it eats at me sometimes, when i try to overcome that internal verbal vitriol. Just sometimes, reason and emotion don't go well together. and I'm sorry but i can't put down my prejudice, its reinforced on a daily basis that I'm starting to see the truth in it. Its is simply irrefutable sometimes. But yet, i struggle between what's moral, what's best, what's mine, what's yours, what's space, what's kindness, what's christian-ess, most of all, what's friendship? Getting a choke hold on someone else just so they can follow you through school life? Or letting that person be happy with the emotional distance and be able to be in the company of the person of their choice, who may not be you? It stings, it hurts, it smarts, but that's life i guess.
The second is about something much deeper. And i don't know how to tell you, but i know i want to and have to. One day, i am accountable for that choice that i made to share or not to share. And i know as a friend, its simply will not be, if i didn't. i will have to find a way, soon. i hope you'll understand.
surgeofthoughts@5:57:00 PM
Friday, August 7, 2009
short escapades
i think im overthinking it, but i do sense that bridging that huge chasm between us is somewhat impossible. is it just that you can't let go or that im too intrusive? this cyclical prosession seems to follow in the footsteps of the many others that preceeded it. maybe its my problem. but each step gone down that path just reenforces those lurking suspicions i had.
each time the fun ride came to its tragic end, veering right off the track of comfort. i don't like where this is going, i don't know how you feel, i'd never venture as much as to ask. i don't know whether you'd understand, but i think i'd never be that friend you seem to want. so i don't know whether thankfully or regrettably, school's drawing to a close. maybe what you and i need is a clean break, where we'll never see much of each other again after this.
2 whole months to go, let's see this thing pass,
hopefully, i won't end up a tangled mess of sentimentally and nostalgia.
hopefully, i'll just feel the fresh, heady start of a new phase, speeding away towards yet another day where nothing ever the same again, whether its to my relief or regret.
hopefully, you'll soon forget me, your memory of me fading in the bright prospect of the future.
is that too much to hope, after all that's happened?
surgeofthoughts@1:18:00 PM
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
its not too late, right?
the days seem to blur past, each one filled with poring over paper after paper. the furrowed brow, impatient click of the pencil, the incessant shuffle of papers. its been a long time since i've felt the mood, the tense atmosphere that hung in the air as head bowed in unison, the mind hard at work.
a long time indeed, that i've been so throughly absorbed in the world of roots and gradients and what nots. a world where idling didnt exist.ahh, im glad, more relieved than ever that i think ive got back. is it too late, really? i hope not, scarcely believing the faint embers that are begining to emerge from the far end of the tunnel, its warning effect touching my eyelids, nose, cheeks. its a long way off yet, but not as bad as i feared. need to continue to resistance, no longer futile, against time, against fatigue, against temptations.
surgeofthoughts@7:24:00 PM
Monday, July 20, 2009
woah, hmmm, ahhh
i glad you told me though, the other day. it really gives me new insight into her, and to you as well, i mean, on the emotional side of things. the only real inconvenience is that my thoughts drift to that during the most inconvenient of times. hah, but its a small price to pay for that, i would say comparatively.
but i cant deny, it just makes me a little more wary, aware, sensitive to such tendencies, inclinations honestly. but its not a bad thing, really. it helps in protecting myself, no matter how ego centric that sounds! its for the best, while as fiery, vibrant adolescents, we may veer a little off the right path, as confusion over identity, personality develops. its an inevitable stage.
it made me relieved that you could trust me to go ahead and tell me, because, i hope that marks another mile stone in our friendship, brings it to an even higher emotional level. to share little snippets of our lives, then and now, to offload them, the burdens of carrying them for so long a time. thanks for that, for leaping over the chasm of wariness with such faith.
surgeofthoughts@6:47:00 PM
Friday, July 10, 2009
oversensitive
i really don't know what to say bout the past few days of school, just that im just a little more sensitive, getting worried how im gonna cram the rest of the syllabus into my head before the next round of prelims and feeling really tired, from sleeping at 11+/12 every night. its turned into a cyclical trend i cant escape. and im sick, again! :( feeling he body aches that most people identify as one of the flu symptoms, and one that i don't really get, till now..and im so tired just from the first week of school, and im wondering how im gonna get through the next few weeks leading up to prelims. God, i need your help to get thru this year! pray for me and 4M, that you'll help us remain in you, and be good testimonies.and, i've got to do a situational piece every week, man! don't know what went wrong with my prelim one piece! :( all i know is that if i were the marker, i'd grade it the same, since im not satisfied reading it..ahh! since this post is getting no where, i shall just end it here!
surgeofthoughts@10:07:00 PM
Thursday, July 2, 2009
have i ever known you?
the past nights spent reading has made me more reflective, more aware of your passions and your heart. i guess a huge part still remain there, reserved for them. i can feel your pain, the poignant emotions that you must have felt during that period. so, i was right. but im just puzzled, why you'd not tell me. i wonder, if this maelstrom is all too soon, and you're just not ready. i'll admit, it seemed all to quick, coursing downstream, going with the flow. and look where i've landed myself. even im too confused to sort this out. hah, wonder if you'll ever see this..
surgeofthoughts@11:50:00 PM
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
huge relief just as i thought. a huge burden off my shoulders after prelims. entering into the holiday week, its pretty idyllic, although some hours are not as how i hoped it'd be. after all, its the holiday week and there's the asian youth games. think its really cool to be representing your country, too bad im just not good enough..it'd been a fabulous experience!
i've also been thinking though, how honouring is it to chase after the "experience of a lifetime" when catching one just makes you want more, greater, prestige? just a thought since i've always thought it'll be great just to make it to the finals for nationals, and now, that seemingly shimmery gold trophy has lost its initally perceived value. its the "been there, done that" sentiment all over again that's made me realise its pointlessness, its emptiness. and why life without christ would ultimately be hauntingly void of any lasting purpose.
on a lighter note, the days are blurring by, with so much to entertain and busy yourself with, playing ball, movies, just going out, a birthday surprise, rather diverting, makes for fun-filled afternoons. but i'd admit, i didnt really deserve that nice break actually after my sluggish revision at time during the june study period, but well, i've gotta hit the books soon, right after the week's rest, sadly.
oh, and bout dsa, im so puzzled! why havnet they called yet? ahh, i thought the balance was tipped in my favour...oh wells. i have until 10 july to hope no more..so frustrating! the school i want doesnt want me, and the school i dont desire as much to get in wants me. ironic. ahh, and its cause for frustration of the acutest kind. so messed up!
surgeofthoughts@6:19:00 PM
Friday, June 12, 2009
some thoughts
i think its a pity, that we live lives that are so restrained by the confines of logic and reason. that circumstances that fall beyond the explanation are treated with much utter confusion and disdain is proof of how limited being we are, being bound fast by our loyalties, prejudices, responsibilities, passions, which warps our perception of the things around us as we struggle to make sense of it all. it is very much human after all, the stumble, to see our lives and that of those around us through tinted glasses. evidences of that are everywhere, from how highly regarded reason and logic is in our society, and how social norms are chains that bind even the strongest willed people. tales of apartheid struggles that transcend generations of men tell of its all-encompassing might and deeply rooted hold on men.
i'd never really seen things from this perspective, of how needy we are, of how much we need a saviour, to rescue us from our dilapidated state. it is indeed refreshing to discover a new facet everyday, a stark reminder of our dependence on Him daily.
surgeofthoughts@7:33:00 PM
Friday, June 5, 2009
standstill
its the holidays.
maybe not. its just that i'll have more time to mug than anything else. maybe its called FLEXI
TIME mugging. how's that sound? hmph.
ahh, it seems, everything has slipped into banality, and its frustrating. much as i dont wish for school, but i wonder if i'd be better off with school continuing.
and i can't help but feel rather mean for the times that i've been in school of extra lessons. you know, her. i can't say much, except that all i want now at this stage is to be distant, polite, and nothing else. please dont come any closer. please. i've had my fair share, and its time for you to move on. i know you're somewhat a troubled kid at home and in school, that much credit i give you, however i beseech you, i urge you, not to take it out on me, or other poor people. but i'll pray for you, i will, you know. :0
and oh, i really am far, far behind time for studying/revision. gosh. help. but the only thing i can say that is starkly contrasting in comparison to last year's eoy is that i possess a sense of motivation to complete my revision. hopefully, this small change goes a long way.
& lastly, thank God for friends. thansk so much for SQUITONG, yanru, jed, sherm, amanda, mag, eunice, soccer frens, theresa, my other "sibiling", churchies, classmates, trackmates and juniors..
surgeofthoughts@11:57:00 PM
Monday, May 4, 2009
momentuous goals
enojoying every minute of freedom, not saying that i consider trainings as terrible oppression, but im just relishing the short period of time where keeping fit and trim need not involve countless hours of needless struggling internally with oneself, but rather the riding on the high of practicing the sport, fueled by the drive and love of the sport. motivated by the apparant improvements from time to time. gaining more control of the ball, a flick, a deft twist, the mastery of an art form brings much gratification and satisfaction.
oh, and yeah, not forgetting today's hmt prelim. yikes. i think its so-so. but i don't think im passing though. but hoping as always, clinging onto that ray of hope, however impossible. hah. delusional, perhaps? you decide.
and i hope, i need to pray about it, about exercising my DSA choice. still fairly unsure, undecided. and its terribly ridiculous how my convictions can veer to both extremes with just a few words. odd huh? tht's me, at least at this point of indecision and wavering. oh well..
surgeofthoughts@6:58:00 PM
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
it did, magically
thanks so much, you guys.
71.58s.
21.04.09, 0940.
its for all of you, along with my deepest gratitude and thanks. a thousand times.
surgeofthoughts@7:23:00 PM
Sunday, April 19, 2009
bound by love
By Thy call of mercy, by Thy grace divine,We are on the Lord’s side, Savior, we are Thine!
By Thy love constraining, by Thy grace divine,We are on the Lord’s side, Savior, we are Thine!
By Thy grand redemption, by Thy grace divine,We are on the Lord’s side, Savior, we are Thine!
surgeofthoughts@4:35:00 PM
Friday, April 17, 2009
are you sure that the sky's the limit for me?first the euphoria of hope, so piercing, so uplifting.
then came the fevered speculations, questions of its possibility.
then it dawned upon me, what it meant to be on fire for God, to run, to fight, all for Him.
to enter the battle, with an undefeated spirit, and tenacious heart.
to grasp the wisdom behind what is often widely circulated as values to be embraced. the fresh, new emotion welling up from within, almost impossible to suppress, surges past all physical, psychological barriers. never before had such hope filled the soul. possibly, its what in essence, the audacity of hope.
surgeofthoughts@9:14:00 PM
Thursday, April 16, 2009
surreal as the lifting mist
the sumation of all the hopes, fears, and dreams i've had for weeks.
72.55s
what does it all mean to me?
why me, God? why someone so ordinary, so undeserving?
to go through what i have gone through.
the trouble, the trials, the momentary loss in pride, dignity, the forced independance, the moments of despair, loss of hope. losing focus, when the momentary distraction permits sudden surges of fear's stealthy approach. and there's the certain hurt of being among the forgotten, falling into neglect, only held up, barely, but the strong belief of team mates, of friends, of evidences that that was indeed not a sweet, elusive dream often dreamt about, that slips away, at the first approach of awakening. the vision, of such momentuous goals, the ambition, the hunger, the drive, the bloodlust, the anger that fueled, embodies the current state of mind that i have been in the past few months. the struggle against prejudice, against my own stubborness, unyieldingly proud and steadfast. and finally, the despairing anguish of mulling over the state of things, the team, and the people that God had put in charge to govern it.
so once more, i ask in vain, why all this, Lord. why?
surgeofthoughts@10:11:00 PM
Thank God, really!
I'm No Perfectionist
You Go Girl! :) 
reconnecting
One down, many more to go
short escapades
huge relief 
momentuous goals
bound by love
are you sure that the sky's the limit for me?